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Sometimes caring for your loved ones begins with caring for yourself

Rex Harrington speaks out about his mother’s illness and the importance of seeking support for family members and caregivers

 

I never wanted to be a dancer.

As a child, I never pictured myself on a stage and I never saw a production of The Nutcracker and declared, “This is what I want to do!” It was my mother who decided my fate. It was her own need and desire to be an artist—which she felt had been squashed when she was a child—that led her to make me a star.

Little did I know then what I know now.

My parents divorced when I was very young. Unbeknownst to me, my mother had been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder after I was born and—as my father told me later on in life—so began the years of turmoil that would have a profound impact on my family and me.

After the divorce, my father became a single parent of three young children, I being the youngest. Clearly, my father was the court’s choice for a stable home and he was left with the task of raising us. Christmas visits and summer holidays with my mother were adventures. She was like an eccentric aunt in a movie: unpredictable, over the top and flamboyant. I loved it all. She was my mother and I didn’t know anything different.

At the age of 14, without giving warning, I packed a bag, boarded a plane and set off for Vancouver to live with her. Within a year, she packed me off to the National Ballet School in Toronto, announcing that she felt I should dance, that I was sensitive and I would make a great artist!

The school thought I was extremely talented but had concerns about my being in boarding school away from her, and so I was rejected as a student. Here lies the hand of fate: my mother wrote and said, “If he has talent allow him to dance—don’t add to his problems.” Thus it was my mother who gave me my career. Years passed and I graduated from the school and entered the company. My mother was very proud but I would not learn of it for many years. Her illness was left untreated and she grew more erratic in her behaviour, finally disappearing.

I went on to have an international career. My father was my biggest fan but in the back of my mind I always wondered if my mother was ever out in the audience. On the eve of my retirement, 18 years later, I was preparing for my last series of shows when my phone rang. It was my mother, alive and well. She had been living in Europe with my half-brother and was just calling to say hi! She talked like we had seen each other only the day before.

I told her I was preparing for my last shows and arranged for her to attend. But when I went to meet her at the airport, she never got off the plane. Later on, she told me that she had mixed up the date and, once again, I was thrown back into a world of confusion that was a constant companion growing up. Why?

I would not change my life, for I have always felt that without the pain and confusion I would never have become the artist I am today. But there were times when I wished there was help available, not only for my mother but for me and my family too. I now know that it was the illness that controlled her and she was unable to acknowledge its true impact on those around her.

In light of the struggles I faced as a result of my mother’s illness, I decided to share my story and I joined CAMH’s Transforming Lives Awareness Campaign. It was through the campaign that I was able to encourage others going through the same thing to seek help and information for themselves, so they could better care for their loved ones.

Life has come full circle. Last year I brought my mother to Toronto to live close by. It is only now as an adult—someone who has spent years in therapy analyzing myself and the life that I have led—that I realize no amount of anger or regret will bring back those years spent wondering if I was to blame. My mother is happy, and that makes me happy.

Sometimes, family members and caregivers must seek help for themselves in order to cope when a loved one is experiencing a mental illness. We must speak out about the challenges and encourage others to do the same. If we can do that, there will always be light at the end of the tunnel.

For family support, please call the CAMH Family Resource Centre at (416) 535-8501 Ext. 4015

Rex Harrington joined the National Ballet of Canada in 1983, becoming a Principal Dancer with the company in 1988, a position he held until his retirement in 2004. Among his many artistic achievements, he was made an Officer of the Order of Canada in 2000 and was given a star on Canada's Walk of Fame in 2005.  In 2006, Rex was appointed Artist-in-Residence with The National Ballet of Canada. He has also been a special guest judge on the hit show So You Think You Can Dance Canada.